The 2016 Summer Olympic Games are upon us.
I have to say, I love the Olympics!
There’s nothing like a global event to make us feel good about humanity, uniting us all in sport and goodwill.
Athletes work towards medal related accolades with belief in self and love of country.
There is triumph, joy, and camaraderie.
That has nothing to do with why I enjoy the Olympic Games.
You see, I love a good competition.
In spite of societal efforts to raise our youth in a disenchanting “everyone’s a winner” frame of mind, the Olympics have clear winners, clear losers and my favourite Canadian “personal best” competitors who are just happy to be there.
I quite enjoy how the CBC wastes hours of precious air time, packaging tv segments for these alleged contenders.
How Canada continues to lose to nations we send foreign aid to is quite impressive.
We are resilient!
We don’t give up!
We are nice.
Our ferocious roar is more like a subtle purr.
Kind of like the noise I make when the Customer Service Ambassador disturbs my slumber with an inaudible announcement.
The sheer entertainment value and pageantry of commuting has me think of the Olympics.
My mind fuses these two ideas.
What if there existed the Commuter Games?
Which of the people on the train would be part of a doping scandal?
Instinctively, the man across from me sniffs and scratches his nose.
He’s too obvious.
Moving along, in no particular order, I present to you sports that should exist during the Commuter Games.
The Commuter Selfie
Because this is my blog, I would own the podium and all three spaces for this competiton.
Note: This sport is reserved for pretty people only! Let’s make the Internet a little more pleasing, one good looking selfie at a time. Yes it’s not fair and no I will not accept appeals.
I feel this sport is the premiere event to have. As a commuter, all one does is wait.
And wait. And then wait some more. And then realize they haven’t been outside for several hours, might as well take a selfie (maybe that’s just me).
And then they ponder; “Why do I commute?”
Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
If we take the above signage as an example:
“Danger! If you don’t die from a train delay, you most certainly might die from lighting up near the engine”
I think that’s medal worthy.
I’m 2 for 2 now. Or 5 for 2.
Streetcar Foot Race
Just how fast is the Red Rocket? Could you chase it down? Would you have to? Likely.
You might as well get national accolades for it.
This beast is deceptive. It gives the false hope that you could outrun it, then, when you’re so very close, it takes off.
I think I’d get a Canadian personal best on this one.
No medal. But a nicely packaged segment on TV.
I hope they show B Reel from my selfies.
The Rail Throw
And not going to transit jail for it, either.
You should be able to get points for distance, variety, impact and artistic impression.
The more unsuspecting the victim, the better.
I would definitely medal in this competition, but it might be hard to throw something in handcuffs.
Contemporary Bench Dancing
You must give an 18 second (in honour of the gong show 6:18 train) performance, and it has to include the benches.
I feel like I could be the dark course of this competition, or not win and then spend the rest of my days writing hate mail to the LOC (Lidz Olympic Committee).
So….that means I would just continue to blog.
Are you uncreative?
Don’t worry, you’ve got plenty of time to rehearse.
It’s not like the train will show up soon, anyway.