“GO” by the numbers

This morning I can really smell the GO transit, a scent I haven’t smelled for quite some time.

Maybe it’s the Monday morning, being away from it a couple days, but it’s here, and now I smell like I’m bathed in it.

Could be worse.

I could smell like fried chicken, and then people would be nosy and glare as I tried to snack on myself.

I digress.

Known by its more formal name, “Eau de GO” is a challenging scent to describe to non-commuters.

As this blog is intended to be educational, I will try.

If the inside of a Fabricland mated with the inside of a Canadian Tire, you’d have “Eau de GO.”

And the level of customer service is the same. We’ll leave it at that.

My observation skills are heightened this   morning.

Perhaps I’m looking to replace Hotchner on Criminal Minds.

I feel alert, observant, alive.

As I strut to the train cars, I realize none of them are in any particular numeric order.

Sure, the trains travel East and West, but there’s no semblance of order either way.

I do my trademark smirk as my next blog idea begins to percolate.

Armed with good intentions and some time to kill, I decide to further examine GO, by the numbers.

In no particular order, because they’ve established the precedent.


This number represents the daily number of times I think I’m going to get hit by some form of public transit.

It also represents the number of times my dad references how my old commute was much easier than the one I have now.

And the number of anti-depressants I take.

It said “take as many as you need” so I went for it.

Maybe that was something else? I suddenly feel clammy and light-headed for no particular reason.

Hmm.


This number represents the number of times I reference my blog on a daily basis to a captive audience.

And by captive, I mean literally speaking, because I corner these people who work in cubicles and have no place to “GO”.

It also represents the number of blank stares I receive by said audience.

And the number of pins I push into my voodoo dolls in attempts to cause these people injury.


A big one, this number represents the number of times Donald Trump says something asinine on a daily basis.

And the number of times in a day I think about eating.


This number represents the number of times Toronto Maple Leaf fans will be in denial about their team being a contender  this year.

I’ve done my research. Very loosely referenced, this number equates to about 30 times per game, 10 times per period and every other shift for the entire season.

I’m not a numbers girl (if I were I’d be a CGA) but even I find this observation extremely impressive.

And, you’re welcome.


This number represents the average number of people who annoy me on a daily basis.

Through all forms of interaction.

I like to kill people with kindness, so if you ever get a pleasant email from me, be sure to buy some Rub A535 for your neck. (See #23 for reference).


This number represents the number of laughs I have on a daily basis at my own jokes.

This number varies ever so slightly, dependant upon the levels of medication referenced in item #9.

I also think I’m hilarious.

I’m also the same person who describes themselves as Transit Royalty.

Maybe I should speak to someone instead of writing about it.

Ah, that’s no fun.


This number represents the number of times I’ve looked up to glare at my new friend who got on at Clarkson, and, in a virtually empty train car, has sat directly across from me.

Looking friendly and approachable is a cross I have to carry with me in life.
Could be worse. I could plop myself beside strangers and not be self-aware.
I’m about to give her another glare, but instead I tell her I really like her necklace.

She beams a smile my way.

I’m half ashamed.

Pills must be kicking in.

Moving along….


This number represents my favourite number of all-time!

Why? Because Robbie Alomar is pure awesome, and that’s his retired jersey number.

I think it took the franchise way too long to retire it, but I’m just a lowly super fan, what do I know!?!

This number also represents the number of times a day I click on and refresh my blog so I can improve the statistics.

And the actual number of times I eat on daily basis.

True story.


This number represents a new game I invented for readers.

This morning, wherever your commute takes you, I challenge you to call ext. 2429.

It really sounds like the work extension of a keener.

If the number does exist and someone picks up, see how long you can keep them on the phone.

If it’s a voicemail, introduce yourself as your most annoying coworker, say how you’ve been meaning to get in touch, and ask them what their favourite number is.

Be sure to give them your coworker’s extension.

Fun by the numbers. Guaranteed.

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