Chinese Astrology Redefined

This morning I wake up with a  revelation.
We’re 5 days into 2017 and I gotta say, I’m impressed.

Aside from a head cold that has made me slightly incoherent and stupid, this year, the year of the Rooster feels like it’s going to be alright.

If you’re into Chinese astrology, each year correlates into the year of a specific animal.

The animals/ years are rotated every 12 years, much like our westernized zodiac signs.

Astrologists, psychics and believers will associate many perceived characteristics of the years based on the animals associated with them.

At this point, I want to pause and marvel and how knowledgeable I sound.

I know all of this information and didn’t even have to fact check on Wikipedia!

As I sit on my perch, I decide this blog is really morphing out of its amateurish cocoon and transitioning into the beautiful Monarch butterfly I always hoped it would be.

I would like the transition to resemble more of the John Tesh radio show and less like Caitlin Jenner.

John Tesh and Lidia Siino.

The similarities are alarming.

Instead of his “intelligence for your life” I have “blogging for your life.”

We have to assume some audience members are stupid.

His show is based on audio.

Mine is the written word.

John speaks to inform, educate, entertain.

My blog has those exact learning outcomes.

John has released an album.

I dabble with iPhone music videos, single verse song writing and karaoke.

John is rich, highly influential and has millions of followers.
I like the colour orange and just got my hair cut.

Hmm.

On second thought, he sounds kind of lame.

Anyone whose fan base has been stolen from Yanni, Michael Bolton and Kenny G really shouldn’t be too proud of themselves.

I bet that’s not even his real name.

He was probably born in Naples as Giovanni Tesucchi.

Imposter.

I digress.

Back to Chinese Astrology, even if you aren’t much of a believer, you will appreciate how I judge the animals and the years they represent.

Early blog adopters may know where this is headed.

You see, armed with an analytical mind and a duly critical analysis, I base the animals of Chinese Astrology and years they represent on how I would view them as food.

My review includes the following:

Dog (2006): As a self proclaimed meatatarian, even I think there’s something wrong with eating man’s best friend. It was not a good year.

Pig (2007): What’s not to love about Pork?!! So versatile. It really should be every year. I make a mental note to write a letter asking for free hotdogs for us commuters for 2017.

Rat (2008): Meh. Not enough meat to be enjoyable. It can go.

Ox (2009): Another home run! I have many happy memories eating some form of Ox, even when I was baby Lidz and told it was chicken.

Tiger (2010): Even though it’s my favourite colour, I typically don’t enjoy eating anything orange. Fail.

Rabbit (2011): See Ox for more detail.

Dragon (2012): It only makes sense that one of my favourite years from recent memory would be mythical because it was so awesome. 2012 was a year I can say I was truly happy with my life. No wonder it would taste like smoked BBQ.

Snake (2013): I lost my Nonna Lidia, one of my favourite people. See Rat for more detail.

Horse (2014): You know, having recently watched Anthony Bourdain chow down on grilled pony in Sicily, I could be into that. Maybe try not to think too much about it.

Goat (2015): Just like the year implies, it left a really bitter taste in my mouth. You want to like it, but not everything tastes like chicken.

Monkey (2016): How can one justify eating Marcel?!?!! I know this year to be horrifying for many, many reasons, so, in answer to the probing question; Dear Barenaked Ladies, if I had a million dollars, no I haven’t always wanted a Monkey. It needs to get deported back to the malaria infested place it came from.

Rooster (2017): Last but not least, our current year of existence belongs to everyone’s favourite poultry.

Based on its inedible predecessors, I have high hopes for 2017.

However previous years may have slighted you, I hope you find comfort in the chicken soup of 2017.

Besides, who doesn’t like fried chicken?!!

Vegetarians.

And that’s blogging for your life.

🙂

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